we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
