somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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