I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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