that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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