$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
