Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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