Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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