i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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