Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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