is your mom at the bar?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
