How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
