Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
