I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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