Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
