I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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