I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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