My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
