I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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