i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
