She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
