right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
