I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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