I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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