I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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