Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
