I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
