I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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