I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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