Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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