DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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