I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
