New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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