smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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