She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
