evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
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