a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
