Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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