when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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