my phone needs a breathalizer
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
