she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
