So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
