I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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