i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
