dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
