I puked a lego.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize