I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
