There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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