hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
