and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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