hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
