if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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