Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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