So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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