i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he fucked my hip out of place.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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