I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
